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Can Help Others In Crisis Experience Stability

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Through Whose Eyes Am I Looking?

Sometimes people decide to seek counselling in order to assist the process of personal growth and development.

Personal growth can help in dealing with situations that may make us feel uncomfortable that may have provoked, anxiety, anger or fear. Rather than internalise your anxieties, you may find it beneficial to speak with someone to share your thoughts and feelings.

This page is a result of questions asked by adults from various walks of life and no particular person will be identified. The information below is not meant to replace talking therapy with a professional counsellor, but a means to giving a little insight to where some of our feelings and actions may come from. The issues addressed will vary and may be updated on a regular basis so please keep checking in!

ANXIETY

 “WHY DO I FEEL ANXIOUS WHEN MY CHILDREN ASK ME QUESTIONS I THINK I CAN’T ANSWER, I DON’T WANT TO LET THEM DOWN”

When we feel anxious it can be because we are uncertain of the outcome resulted from our actions or because we have no control in a situation.  

As parents we often make comment that we feel we wear many hats and that our children expect and assume that we have the answer to everything!

The hats may represent being a;

Carer

Cook

Cleaner

Nurse

Listener

Organiser

Problem solver

Relationship expert

Teacher

Financier

Negotiator

Mediator

It’s an endless and difficult list to take onboard and live up to … physically, emotionally and psychologically! Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves to be that ‘perfect’ person/parent?

Our past plays a huge part to the person we are in the here and now. The way we respond to situations, especially stressful situations can be a reflection to how we have been treat and responded to in our past.

Therefore when we are faced with difficult questions from a child, how do we respond?

Are we confident enough to respond truthfully, based on what knowledge we have?

Are we confident enough to respond truthfully if we don’t know or can’t answer?

Do we respond with anger, in a way to deflect from the question?

Do we reflect and question ourselves why we respond in the way we do?

Are we listening and responding to what we think we heard?

Do we appreciate the reasoning behind the child’s question?

Are we giving a response that we feel is expected rather than what is factual?

Does the question embarrass us?

Our reactions are dictated by how we feel at that particular time. Our response depends what, how, and when the question was asked!

How does any negative reaction make the child feel?

There is not one definite answer or solution as every person, and every situation is different. Whose eyes are you looking through when in that situation? You as you are now, you as a child or the child asking the question?

PLEASE REMEMBER TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND THAT PERFECTION ONLY EXISTS AS AN IDEAL.

 

If you find it difficult to cope with any of the above and you feel relationships are suffering, please speak with someone.

Talking does help!

ANXIETY

“I AM THE RESPONSIBLE PERSON FOR A ‘LOOKED AFTER CHILD’, I AM ANXIOUS HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SHE KICKS OFF, WHAT’S THE BEST WAY?”

Behaviour is predominantly dictated by our life experiences and anger can be a sign of feeling emotionally unsafe. In some situations a looked after child may be experiencing attachment difficulties which inevitably will effect their relationships. 

To help strengthen an attachment with a child the primary ingredients are

Emotional Connection

Responsiveness

Don’t ignore their demands for attention and always look at them and explain if you need a moment before you can respond. Be their safe place and security. It is not an aim to be perfect but to be authentic. 

When an adult helps a child feel emotionally connected and cared for, the child’s feelings, such as anger, become less and begin to decrease. 

Take time to reflect; 

What is it like for the child to actually be listened to?

What’s making it difficult for you to manage this anger?

Reach out to any support network who will have previously been assigned to you. 

If you feel you need additional professional emotional support talk to your GP who will go through your options. 

ANGER

“HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY?”

The anger rule is …It’s OK to feel angry BUT …

Don’t hurt others

Don’t hurt yourself

Don’t hurt property

DO talk about it

Children often have problems with anger. Adults often have problems with anger.

As you will see mentioned regularly throughout this page, the presented issue isn’t necessarily the underlying issue, but to keep yourself and your child emotionally safe, deal with what is presented to you. The anger!

If you feel overwhelmed by any issue discussed between you and your child you may benefit from seeking professional support.  

It is helpful if you;

Don’t retaliate, this will teach poor ways of resolving conflict

Model the positive behaviour you want your child to learn

Let them know you understand how they are feeling … “I can see how angry you are” don’t pretend it’s not happening

Don’t force children into apologising as they might not be feeling sorry … you may be forcing them to bury their anger

Find a suitable time for you both to talk

Don’t judge

Listen

If anyone’s life is in danger ring 999

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